Well I looked my demons in the eyes,

laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me.

You see, I've been to hell and back so many times,

I must admit you kind of bore me."

There's a lot of things that can kill a man,

there's a lot of ways to die,

listen, some already did that walked beside me.

There's a lot of things I don't understand,

why so many people lie.

Its the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?

So empty, so estranged.

I remember when, when I first moved here,
A long time ago,
'cause I heard some song I used to hear back then,
A long time ago.
I remember when, even further back,
In another town,
'cause I saw something written I used to say back then,
Hard to comprehend

And the question is, was I more alive
Then than I am now?
I happily have to disagree;
I laugh more often now, I cry more often now,
I am more me.

But of cause some days, I just lie around
And hardly exist,
And can't tell apart what I'm eating
From my hand or my wrist.
'cause flesh is flesh, flesh as flesh as flesh,
The difference is thin.
But life has a certain ability or breathing new
Life into me,
So I breathe it in.
It says here we are, and we all are here,
And you still can make sense,
If you just show up and present an honest face,
Instead of that grin.

And the other day, this new friend of mine
Said something to me
"just because something starts differently,
Doesn't mean it's worth less."
And I soaked it in, how I soaked it in,
How I soaked it in
And just as to prove how right he was,
Then you came.
So I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give,
I'm gonna give you a try,
So I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give,
I'm gonna give you a try

I should probably work on updating more often so I can extrapolate a bit more on details. Noted.

The job in Palo Alto for a month turned into a job in Redwood City for one day less two weeks. Confused? Good. So was I. Let's just say I did alright, outlasted most, and ate a lot, and I mean.. *a lot* of free food. And I got a t-shirt out of it as a memento.

And now, as of this morning's interview, I have *another* job. This time in San Jose. This time a bit more difficult, with more pay, but 20+ hours a week to start, and for 1 or 2 months with a slight chance of more. I'm going to have to spend my off hours learning more about things I kind of know but am far out of practice with. Should be fun.

I got a place to stay a few weeks back. Finally. Just outside of Foster City. It's beautiful here. One stroll by the local lagoon is enough to get rid of a lot of stress. I live with 3 other people. One is a small boy who likes to stomp around at times, but I can forgive that. They are all nice. So far, so good.

So I have quite a commute ahead of me from day to day, but I'll make it work. I always do. I'm hoping something full time pops up soon, but this will help tide me over 'til then if it works out.

On the romantic front.. it's complicated. But it's fun complicated. I'll leave it that.

It rained the other day! A decent amount! Exciting! Then, you know, perfect weather followed, yadda yadda.

So.. Palo Alto. Got the job. As long as nothing supremely unexpected happens, I'll be starting the job on Monday. It's a contract job that only lasts a month, and it could be between 40 and 60 hours per week. Although 60 would kill me, I'm hoping for that. The money I'd make would keep me afloat for some time to come until I can find something else again.

The room in Daly City fell through, as I never heard back from them, but that was happening as the job news was crystallizing, so I'm happy I didn't get it. Now I'm looking for something closer to Palo Alto for the month. I'm still going to look for jobs in and around San Francisco in the meantime, and if something with equal or better pay comes along, I will do that. So we'll see.

On the romance front.. that's still happening. And it's apparently gone well enough to advance to exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend status. That happened Tuesday at the dinner she took me out for on my birthday. I like her. She likes me. We're seeing where it's going to go, but she still wants to move to NYC next year, and I'm intent on staying here, but a year is far away enough not to affect right now, and right now both of us are happy dating just one person. (I could never concentrate on more than one person at a time. Too much work.) I really wanted to take it slow like molasses, but it progressed like wildfire. I'm not complaining.

Today was the first day I had alone to rest, and last night I slept for 12 and a half hours straight. It's been enjoyable. Tomorrow I can do the same for most of the day, but back down to Palo Alto to look at a room for rent at night. Saturday I'll think of something, and Sunday is a long drive down to Santa Cruz with S- for a beach day I've been thinking about for the last month. 6 weeks in California and counting! :)

So.. I'm still in the Bay Area, and I think I've got a week or two left in me of sincere trying before I have to Quit and Move On. I haven't done much physical searching, like in the olden days before computers, and feel like I should give that a try in SF proper before I leave with my tail between my legs, with lessons learned and never to be forgotten.

The adventure in me is fading, and it's gotten difficult. Moving from hotel to car, to hotel to car, and car to hotel for the last month has made me feel almost inhuman and I have newfound perspective on what it means to live on the fringe. I was never unsympathetic or dismissive of the homeless or poor, and even though things are bad, I know for a lot of them things are much worse. They go through things every day I hope I never will. But, if I stay here, out on my own, and nothing positive happens soon, I will be one of them. Obviously I really hope that doesn't happen. It is starting to worry me, but overall I'm staying positive and keeping my head up. I just don't know how feasible it is to continue on this way, both for my sanity, and my health.

But I do have a date this upcoming Sunday in SF, so yay me.

At some point a post will spill forth, but I'm tired and have another very long drive ahead, so sleep is near. I'm in San Antonio, TX, as all of you who follow my twitter are painfully aware. Soon I will on my way to Phoenix, then onward to Los Angeles. I will kiss the Pacific Ocean when I reach it and enjoy sub-100 degree heat indexes with newfound appreciation and reverence. Beyond that, as yet.. wide open. I like that. xo

Ah CraigsList, you amuse me so:

VH1 REALITY CASTING CALL-JERSEY SHORE CHALLENGE!! (LI, SI, NYC, NJ)

It's summertime at the Jersey Shore, baby! Bangin' beats, hot bodies, ice cold booze, and boardwalk bashes … only the hottest pimps and sexiest ladies can handle the heat.

Red White and Green, Killer shades, Awesome Hair, Fist Pumping, Bandana’s and Bling can mean only one thing .. So if you're a loud and proud Italian, and can rep the shore the fullest, we want to hear from you!

Do you dominate the gym, tear up the club, pump your fist and rule the bedroom? Prove it!

Doron Ofir Casting and Vh1 are currently seeking the proudest GUIDOS and GUIDETTES to rep our Jersey Shore House, all expenses paid!

You must be least 21 and appear younger than 30 to star in a long-form docu-series that will prove once and for all, who runs sh*t.

Summertime at the Jersey Shore, baby, bring it the f@&% on!

If this sounds like you, EMAIL, VanessaRcasting@.com

ASAP with:
Pics , PHONE contact, Location, and The reason you should be on the show!!

Don't want your love anymore
Don't want your kisses, that's for sure
I die each time I hear this sound
Here he comes, that's Cathy's clown

I've got to stand tall, you know a man can't crawl
For when he knows you're telling lies
And he hears them passing by
He's not a man at all

Don't want your love any more
Don't want your kisses, that's for sure
I die each time I hear this sound
Here he comes, that's Cathy's clown

When you see me shed a tear
And you know that it's sincere
Don't you think it's kind of sad, that you're treating me so bad?
Or don't you even care?

Don't want your love anymore
Don't want your kisses, that's for sure
I die each time I hear this sound
Here he comes, that's Cathy's clown
That's Cathy's clown, that's Cathy's clown

Apparently I need to be cooling it on the texting 'til the end of the month.

(I'm going anyway.)

So LA, at least in the form I was expecting, is not happening. I fell asleep at a half-decent hour for once, was awoken in the middle of night by a thunderstorm, checked my email, and was hit with the bad news. I had a place to stay there, for at least three months as I understood it, but the friend offering me their couch's landlord apparently reminded them about their lease and not having guests for more than ten days.

So that's that. Yeah. Carry on.

Driving in my big black car
Nothing can go wrong
I'm going and I don't know how far
So, so long.

Maybe I'll sleep in a Holiday Inn
Nothing can hurt me
Nothing can touch me
Why should I care?
Driving's a gas
It ain't gonna last.

Sunny day, highway
If it rains it's all the same.
I can't feel a thing
I can't feel a thing

I've got a big black car.

Nothing can hurt me
Nothing can touch me
Why should I care?
Driving's a gas
It ain't gonna last.

The lights above, oh yes.
I see the stars above

Sometimes the comedy just writes itself. Really. If only Big Unit were somehow still involved..

(I just re-upped for another year of premium Flickr goodness, and despite forgetting my camera on my drives the last few days, there will be photos.. oh yes, there will be.. photos.)

John McCain.. has a Twitter: http://twitter.com/senjohnmccain

Mmmm, pork.

Miss you, mola, mola.

Bush declines hardware store job

I really think he should have taken it. It's probably one of the few jobs he'd actually be qualified and competent at. *zing*

So what have I been doing lately.. I've changed my diet. I haven't eaten an unhealthy thing in two weeks and have been visiting the gym often. (And Subway, almost every day.) I've been really pushing myself the last half of this week and am hitting a wall. Today was dreary and dark and rainy and cold, and I was sore, but I went again anyway. Going to pay for it tomorrow, but no pain, no gain, as they say.

I think, as much as I've been eating, and eating right, I'm going to have to start consuming calories at a clip I have never known. I should be eating more and more often, and exercising like it's my job. I have the time, and I'm motivated, so let's see.

I haven't seen any good movies in a long time. And for someone who loves films as I do, that's a no no. I've kept my netflix subscription active for the last few months and haven't bothered browsing anything for a while. I suspect at some point I will replace that WoW subscription with books and films (and food and exercise, as mentioned). I'll just have to work it into habitual mindset. Must.. feed.. brain. Braaaaiinnnnss.

More about.. school, possibly.. soon.

Figures.. the one year I want to go to Coachella and can't really afford it.

Obama reverses abortion-funding policy

It's kind of odd reading the news every day now and seeing less death, destruction, corruption, and depression and getting to read news like that. I could get used to it.

re: the inauguration

I got to watch most of it on the plane, thankfully, but I missed most of Obama's speech. The plane was flying over Nebraska* at the time and the satellite feed kept cutting out until it died altogether. When Obama was finished taking the oath, most people clapped. The guy in the next to me was getting overly dramatic about the satellite (at one point giving it the double finger salute) and later bothered the flight crew endlessly about his entertainment system being unresponsive while watching Pineapple Express. He was also laughing loudly seemingly every 5 minutes like he was at home in his livingroom. I had my ear buds in and managed to ignore him for the most part.

I went to the Apple store for a little while and having never dealt with the Genius Bar before, didn't realize I had to make appointment. I made one for 7, but unfortunately that was at 2:30, so I walked and sat around the mall until 3:30 and decided to come back to the hotel, rest, and maybe eat before heading back over there. I drove around for a while before heading back. I like driving, and it's nice having more of an idea of what streets connect to what, and where I can go if I make a wrong turn or get lost. (Which I often do but don't mind.)


*I wonder if I'll have anything nice to say about Nebraska in my lifetime.